Silence is Fools’ Gold

fools-gold

I’m still thinking about the Safe World Summit that I attended last week. More than thinking, I’m processing. The two days were definitely more than the sum of their parts.

After my last post a number of people contacted me to ask why I hadn’t told Nigel’s wife and Cormac’s wife that they were married to rapists. The truth is, that I did. The truth is, that they know. The truth is, that they don’t care. The truth is, that (cliché of clichés!) my brothers married their mother: They married women who would be compliant, who would put their husbands ahead of all others including their own children. They married women who would be more concerned about what the neighbours would say than with providing protection to their children. They married women who would keep their secrets.

Back in 2010, I told Cormac’s wife, Orna, that Nigel had sexually abused me. I was building up to full disclosure, telling her about her brother-in-law before telling her about her husband (whose abuse was more sadistic, and went on for longer). She had no difficulty in believing me. She even went as far as to say that it ‘made sense’. When, however, she found out that Cormac – her own husband – had also raped me for years, and that I was suing both of them, she sided with the abusers, instead of the abused.

The truth is, that while they have no difficulty with the fact that they have married misogynistic rapists, they have a difficulty with the rest of the world knowing. As long as the information was kept within the family – as long as I observed that peculiar Irish form of omerta – they were happy enough. When I started to speak out publicly, however, when I started legal civil proceedings against the brothers who had raped me, their tune changed. Bear in mind, that Anita and Orna had not spoken to each other since December of 2004.  Yet, when I started talking more and more publicly, about the abuse I had suffered at their husbands’ hands, these women rekindled their relationship and united to fight the truth.

 

Think about that for a second: Two women, married to two men, each of whom has had two children for these men, bonded over the fact that their husbands had raped the same child.  Two women who would rather live with two men who have no remorse for their abusive behaviour, than leave them. You’d have to ask yourself why.  Both men are wealthy. Both women signed pre-nuptial agreements. I don’t think that’s the only reason, though, I think there’s more to it than that.

 

I’ve written this post on foot of a challenge issued by Insia Dariwala at the Safe World Summit last week. She told us that each of us – by being silent – is complicit in the continued sexual abuse of children. This statement made me very uneasy. What was I doing to maintain the silence? What was I doing to contribute to allowing other children to be abused in the ways I had been abused? Insia Dariwala’s challenge, then, was to break our silence.

 

I have risen to that challenge. I will continue to do so.

Dear Decent Men

Content Warning: Rape

Rapists

 

Dear Decent Men

Here is what we need from you right now. (When I say ‘we’, I mean ‘me’ and the abused women I’ve spoken to recently.) We need you to listen to us. We need you to listen to our hurt, and our rage, and our pain. We need you to understand that, actually, this is personal. It is a personal message to every woman who has ever, or will ever, be raped or sexually assaulted – and Lord knows there’s enough of us – that we will be abused and traumatised again by the legal system if we dare to open our mouths and report the assault/s. That more worth and weight is attached to the lies of rapists than to the truths of rape victims.

 

Dear Decent Men, we need you to call out men (and women) of your acquaintance who say things like ‘I knew they were innocent’ –  remind them that, in law, ‘not guilty’ is not the same as ‘innocent’. We need you to remind people who say that ‘Justice was done’ that there is a difference between ‘justice’ and ‘law’. We need you to remind others that laws were written for privileged men, by privileged men, to privilege privileged men.

 

We need you to remind those who need reminding that just because a judge is female, that doesn’t necessarily mean she is sympathetic to other women; that the legal system is a patriarchal institution, and those who are successful within it must play that game in order to be awarded success.

 

We need you to talk about how a jury of the accused’s peers is likely to be sympathetic to him by the very virtue of the fact that they are his peers – and not the peers of his victim. We need you to talk about how the members of the legal profession – on both sides – will have more in common with white, privileged males than with a rape victim.

 

We need you to let people know that you do not appreciate derogatory comments about women, and you do not want women referred to as ‘whores’, ‘bitches’, ‘sluts’, or ‘cunts’ in your hearing.  We need you to state, simply, and calmly, that rape ‘jokes’ are not funny.

 

Dear Decent Men, we need you to make it clear that you think women deserve respect at all times; that you believe women – all women, all the time – are the only people who have a ‘right’ to their bodies: Everyone else has to ask, and that if they don’t get an enthusiastic, ongoing, non-coerced, freely-given ‘YES!’ then that’s a ‘NO!’ And ‘no’ is a complete sentence – not an invitation to do what you want anyway.

We need you to let other men know that when our vaginas hurt and are bleeding, and the pain is excruciating, that we may negotiate. We know that until a rapist climaxes, he won’t leave us alone. We know that a drunk rapist will take longer to climax than a sober one; so we offer an alternative – a hand-job or a blow-job – to make the burning, stinging, stretching, tearing pain in our vaginas, at our cervixes, at the very core of us, stop. That is not ‘offering’ to perform oral sex – it is the same thing as offering to swap one hostage for another. It is not an enthusiastic suggestion of consensual sexual activity.

Dear Decent Men, We need you to hold the space for us as we express our rage, and  our fear, and our horror, and our feelings of being belittled and diminished by a system – a society – that does not value us. We need you to hold the space for us while we process our thoughts and feelings. We don’t need you to tell us things that you hope will make us feel better; that you hope will shut us up.

We need you to bear witness to our pain and suffering. We need you to acknowledge it. We need you to pledge to work with us to change a system that is so broken it is absolutely not fit for purpose. We need you to express, at every opportunity, that women deserve respect, not because we are / could be ‘someone’s sister / aunt / mother / wife / cousin / neighbour / girlfriend’ but because we are human. 

 

Dear Decent Men, we need you.

Just

Just Wordcloud

The #MeToo on Twitter, and the discussion in the wider world of sexual abuse, sexual assault sexual harassment, rape, grooming and other offences of a sexual nature is providing a climate where those who have not previously spoken about their experiences, to do so.

 

One of the things that has bothered me, though, is the number of people (predominantly men), who simply say things like ‘then go to the police / Gardaí’, and ‘he hasn’t been convicted, so….presumption of innocence’. As if it is that simple. As if reporting a sexual assault to the police or the Gardaí is as simple, or as easy as telling a woman (or a man) to do so. God bless the privilege of the people who say this. God bless their innocence.  Reporting a crime – particularly one of such a highly personal nature – to the Gardaí is no easy thing to do. (At this point, I must say that I have never been treated with anything but kindness and professional understanding by members of An Garda Siochana).

 

Yet, the smug ‘just report it’ crowd seem to believe that going to the Gardaí and making a full and detailed report of a sexual assault is as easy and straightforward – and that the results are as swift – as telling Mammy, or going to the teacher in a primary school classroom. Sadly, that isn’t the case. Apart, altogether, from the harrowing experience of going to the Gardaí in the first place, and making a full and frank statement; providing details of a very distressing event – an event that was visited upon your person, an event that was visited upon the most private parts of your person, an event that was visited upon your psyche, an event that will forever change you isn’t easy.

Even if a person does manage to find the strength to do all that, they then have to face the rest of what the smug ‘just report it’ crowd refer to as ‘due process’. Due process is the idea that a person will get a fair trial in front of an impartial judge. The ‘just report it’ crowd also seem to think that anyone who commits a crime, and whose crime is reported and investigated, and against whom evidence is gathered, will automatically appear before a judge and be found guilty.  Until and unless that happens, they feel that no truths should be told, no allegations uttered, no solidarity of and with, victims shown publicly.

 

In an ideal world, a person who commits a crime, and whose crime is reported and investigated, and against whom evidence is gathered, would automatically appear before a judge, and be found guilty. We don’t, unfortunately, live in an ideal world.

 

Then, there is ‘due process’ that the smug ‘just report it’ crowd clamour for. Broadly, this means that a file is prepared by the gardaí who have conducted the investigation. The superintendent in the station then sends the file to the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP). The DPP then decides whether or not to proceed with the case, and bring it to trial.

Now, here’s the thing that you may, or may not, know. Here’s the thing that the ‘just report it’ gang clearly don’t know (or want to admit). The DPP doesn’t decide to proceed to trial based on the evidence. The DPP doesn’t decide to proceed to trial based on whether or not they personally believe the crime, as described, occurred. The DPP bases her decision on whether or not they are reasonably confident that they will secure a conviction. In other words, the DPP will only allow a case to proceed to trial if she thinks it makes financial sense. The decision, therefore, to prosecute is based, not on legal, as much as on economic considerations.

Looking at the crime of sexual assault, the DPP deciding not to prosecute doesn’t mean the man is innocent. Nor does it mean that the woman is a liar. It doesn’t mean that there is a lack of evidence. Nor does it mean that the evidence is unconvincing. What is means is that the DPP doesn’t think that a jury will convict the man in spite of the evidence, in spite of the recommendation of the Superintendent at the investigating Garda station. Sometimes, the DPP will decide not to prosecute even though a confession has been provided to the Gardaí.  (This isn’t far-fetched; it happened to me in the case of my father, Christy Talbot.)

 

In some cases, like the case of my brother, Cormac Talbot, the DPP will decide not to prosecute because, frankly, the cost of flying him back from France to be prosecuted for historical sexual abuse, including digital, oral, anal, and vaginal rape is not worth it. In spite of the evidence. Cormac, living in the South of France, is no longer a danger to the Irish public, so the decision was made to leave him where he is.

 

Sometimes, people aren’t prosecuted because they are unwell. As in the case of my brother, Nigel Talbot, who claims partial memory-loss on account of his brain tumour.

 

The fact that someone hasn’t been prosecuted, and found guilty in a court of law doesn’t mean they’re innocent. Worse, it doesn’t mean that they are no longer abusing women and / or children.

 

Others have contacted me privately to let me know that they were abused by my brothers. If you were, too, please feel free to contact me in confidence. 

If this post was difficult for you to read because of your own experiences, please remember that the following agencies have phonelines, which are staffed 24/7:

Rape Crisis Centre: 1800 778888

Samaritans: 116 123

Pieta House: 1800 247 247

 

 

Victim-Blaming

V

Sadly, victim-blaming is a huge part of every survivors narrative. Questions are asked of her and her behaviour and demeanour that are never asked of a victim of any other type of crime. Questions like:

‘What were you wearing?’

‘How much had you had to drink?’

‘Why were you there on your own?’

‘Did you lead him on?’

‘What did you expect?’

‘Boys will be boys.’

‘Why didn’t you just tell him to stop?’

‘Why didn’t you just fight him off?’

A woman’s previous sexual experience and the fact that men can’t really help themselves will be discussed in certain quarters. This puts the onus on women to accept responsibility for, not just their own behaviour, but that of men as well.

The bottom line is that victims of rape and sexual assault are blamed for what happened to them. As a result, a lot of victims blame themselves. This sort of victim-blaming is used particularly around young children to ensure that they stay quiet and don’t report the abuse because they are told that society, power, people in charge will not believe them – or will blame them for what happened to them.

Should a victim have the temerity, the audacity, and the courage to even attempt to seek some form of justice (there’s that word again!), they will find that those who take the side of their abusers will blame and bully the victim. For many (such as the members of my own immediate family), this helps them to avoid dealing with their own culpability, shame, and guilt around their own abuse of the victim. Or the fact that they allowed the abuse to continue by refusing to do anything to help the victim. Far, far, easier to blame the victim than to look in the mirror and take responsibility for how they made matters worse (or, at the very least, refused to make them better) for the victim.

 

 

 

 

 

Causes

C

There is just one cause for sexual assault: Sexual assailants. The person who is assaulted is never to blame. Never. Unfortunately, people are quick to victim blame, even when the victim is a child (like I was when I was first abused as a two year old).  These people, who make excuses for sexual assailants, rapists and paedophiles, seem to think that somehow, something a victim does excuses the rapist from their actions. That simply isn’t true. A victim never causes an abuser to abuse them. (Closely linked to the issue of cause and responsibility is the issue of consent, which I wrote about a few months ago. You can read that post here.)

No matter what – no matter what a person is wearing; what they have been drinking; who paid for their drinks or their dinner; where they live; what they do for a living; if the abuser feels they have been ‘led on’; if the abuser has had consensual sex with their victim on another occasion; if the abuser is a family member – the cause of sexual abuse is abusers.  Always.

There are no mitigating factors. There is no grey area. There is no question of a victim bringing it on themselves. There is no question of a victim causing their own victimisation. There is one cause and one cause only for the rape and sexual assault of women, children and men – and that cause is the rapists and sex offenders.

Different rapists may use different excuses – they were angry, upset, needed to feel powerful, needed sexual gratification, found their victim too attractive to resist – but that does not detract from the fact that they are the ones who caused the rape.

I know I’ve done little else in this post but repeat myself – and there’s a good reason for that: We still live in a society where people who are sexually assaulted are blamed for that assault, and are seen as causing the assault. This is never the case. We are never to blame for the assaults perpetrated on our bodies. The hatred men have for themselves is waged in a war on women’s bodies and women’s minds. The cause of this war is the men who wage it. not the women on whom it is waged.