Forgiveness (Part One)

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Forgiveness is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to – specifically with regard to sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rape. Forgiveness seems to be something that is as good – if not better – for the forgiver as for the forgivee.

The way forgiveness is generally talked about, it appears as if forgiving confers on the forgiver a deed to a piece of land high up on the moral ground. Forgivers are seen as morally superior, somehow. ‘Good’ people forgive. ‘Bad’ people don’t. This puts the onus back on the transgressed to do the right thing; to fix the situation. We are urged to ‘let it go’ to ‘move on’, to ‘let bygones be bygones’ to ‘be the bigger person’.

But is it really better for the person of whom forgiveness is expected to actually give that forgiveness? Is forgiveness the same as saying that whatever happened doesn’t matter? Or it doesn’t matter any more?

We’re told that holding on to the anger just hurts the transgressed – it does nothing to the transgressor.  But are anger and a lack of forgiveness, and / or a refusal to forgive, the same thing?

I think the notion of forgiveness as the ‘right’ thing to do comes from religious traditions; specifically the Abrahamic religions. The idea of turning the other cheek (so that can be slapped, too), of giving your coat to someone who is suing you for your shirt is the ‘right’ thing to do; the ‘better’, the more noble thing to do. The morally superior thing to do.

I would contend that the only person you have to forgive is yourself. You don’t have to ‘forgive’ the person who hurt you, you don’t owe them anything. You do, however, owe yourself your best life. The only person you need to forgive in life is yourself. Really. You are the only person you ever have to forgive for anything. What could a person who survived child sexual abuse possibly have to forgive themselves for? We need to forgive ourselves for believing the lies we were told. We need to forgive ourselves for believing we were worth nothing. We need to forgive ourselves for hating ourselves; for turning the tyranny inwards. We need to forgive ourselves for being hard on ourselves, for expecting more of ourselves than it was possible to give or be. We need to forgive ourselves for the frustration that brings. We need to forgive ourselves for trying to love the people who were abusing us. We need to forgive ourselves for the denial of the damage that was done to us.

Other people, I feel need to ‘earn’ forgiveness. I think that can only happen when the transgressor is remorseful. There is a dyad involved here, and in order for the exercise to be effective, each must play their part. There’s also the fact that people who do not experience remorse will transgress again, simply because they do not believe that there is anything wrong with their behaviour.

What we’re looking for is peace – peace inside ourselves so that we can move forward and live our best lives, without the wrongs done to us tormenting us. Or continuing to torment us. We don’t need to forgive – in the accepted sense – in order to manifest that peace.

 

More about that in my next post.

Forgiveness

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Forgiveness is something I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately. When I say ‘lately’, I mean the past eighteen months or so. I’ve been examining it from philosophical, emotional and psychological points of view with my eye on publishing a long piece in the near future.

I’m including a short piece on forgiveness in this A to Z Challenge because I have heard and read on many occasions, that forgiveness is crucial for survivors of sexual abuse. We are told that in order to ‘free’ ourselves from the pain of the abuse, we need to forgive those who molested and / or raped us. Forgiveness is sold to us as a A Good Thing. In the accepted rhetoric, forgiveness seems to be something that is as good – if not better – for the forgiver as for the forgivee.

The way forgiveness is generally talked about, it appears as if forgiving confers on the forgiver a deed to a piece of land high up on the moral ground. Forgivers are seen as morally superior, somehow. ‘Good’ people forgive. ‘Bad’ people don’t. This puts the onus back on the transgressed to do the right thing; to fix the situation. We are urged to ‘let it go’ to ‘move on’, to ‘let bygones be bygones’ to ‘be the bigger person’. We’re told that holding on to the anger just hurts the transgressed – it does nothing to the transgressor.

But is it really better for the person of whom forgiveness is expected to actually give that forgiveness? Is forgiveness the same as saying that whatever happened doesn’t matter? Or that it doesn’t matter any more? Can you really be expected to forgive someone who shows no remorse?

I don’t think that you have to ‘forgive’ the person who hurt you, you don’t owe them anything. You do, however, owe yourself your best life. What we,  as people who have managed to survive abuse, are looking for is peace – peace inside ourselves so that we can move on and move forward and live our best lives.

Forgiving the people who damaged us in unimaginable ways doesn’t have to be part of that. Choosing not to forgive does not mean that you are wallowing in hate. Choosing not to forgive doesn’t automatically turn the person who has been hurt into a bitter, twisted individual.  Choosing not to forgive may, in fact, be a hugely empowering stance. It may feel like one of the few choices you actively had in your your relationship with the person who abused you.