The Power to Rearrange

This is a wonderful read; it’s profound, and thoughtful, and insightful.

A Voice Released

Recent events have taught me many things. Importantly, though, they have taught me that the future is not just ten years away, one year away, one month away, one week away. The future is our next breath, our next step, what we’re having for dinner. Tomorrow is the future – not just sometime; not just some other time down the line.

We can’t put off what we want to do, what we need to do, and pretend there is still time.

Old age is not a certainty. A healthy old age is most definitely not a certainty for us. We (as a couple) know now that our old age – if we are lucky enough to have one – will come with some big challenges. And we don’t know which ones.

A Parkinson’s diagnosis shouts “Uncertain shit ahead!” in a way we’ve forgotten to look out for. Life is all…

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The Women Who Support Abusers

Madeline Albright

 

Collusion is key. Men who abuse women are supported by other women. I’ve been trying to write a blog post all week about women who collude with abusive men. It’s harder than I thought it would be. On the one hand, I have so much to say on the subject – so many examples from my own life – that I’m afraid I’d write far, far more than a blog post calls for.  At the same time, however, finding the words to get started is proving difficult.

 

I’m not sure where to start, but I have a feeling the way in might be to actually just record my thoughts and then transcribe them.

 

Bear with me!

Breaking the Cycle

I wrote this, a year ago, on my other blog. I thought it might be worth sharing here, too.

In My Own Write

On Monday and Tuesday of this week, Safe Ireland held a seminar with distinguished speakers from around the world. They discussed things I know a lot about – abuse, violence, trauma and the effects of same. I wasn’t at the conference, because (frankly) it was out of my price range, but I am very grateful to those who live-tweeted the event using the hashtag #safeirelandsummit

One of the things that struck me was the fact that John Lonergan (former governor of Mountjoy Jail) was reported as asking ‘How do we prevent? That is the challenge’

I can only assume he was asking how we might prevent domestic violence. Part of me is shocked that someone would even need to ask, but I’ll get over that and focus instead on the fact that, if you’re asking, it means you’re interested. So, here, are ten things that you can do to work…

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Savage That There’s No Funding for SAVI

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The Irish Government has said that there isn’t enough money in the coffers for a new SAVI report. The last one was produced in 2002.

 

A new SAVI Report is vital in order to get an idea of the current beliefs, attitudes, and – crucially – experiences of men and women in Ireland. Significantly for me, my eldest daughter was born in 2002, which means it’s very easy for me to remember that year. It’s not just nearly 16 years ago, it is a very real year for me. It means I can easily pinpoint 2002 in my memory, and compare and contrast now with then.

 

I am aware of how much technology has changed since then; how simultaneously enabling and disabling it is. I am aware of how much our attitudes towards sex and sexuality have changed since that year. I am aware that people are more aware, and more articulate around, sex, sexuality, and their sexual experiences now than they were then. I am aware that people who were young children in 2002 are now fully-grown adults. I am also aware that people who were young children in 2002, and who were being abused then, are now fully-grown adults who may, or may not, have ever had the opportunity to disclose and discuss their experiences. We need to capture this data.

 

We need to capture this data in order to inform policy, practice, and funding for people and services who care for those of us who are affected by sexual assault and abuse. We need to be visible and vocal about the fact that we are gathering this data so the people who are directly affected by it feel, and are, heard.

 

To commission a new SAVI Report would cost approximately €1m. The government has claimed they don’t have the budget. They do, however, have €64m for Irish Racing; they also have €16 for greyhound racing; they found an extra €500,000 for National Parks; and, of course, Leo the Liar easily found €5m for his own spin doctors.

 

All of that tells us that sexually abused and assaulted children, women, and men in Ireland are worth less to this government than racing horses, bloodsports, trees, and Leo’s own personal public relations unit.  As if our self-esteem hadn’t taken enough of a battering already.

 

 

Just

Just Wordcloud

The #MeToo on Twitter, and the discussion in the wider world of sexual abuse, sexual assault sexual harassment, rape, grooming and other offences of a sexual nature is providing a climate where those who have not previously spoken about their experiences, to do so.

 

One of the things that has bothered me, though, is the number of people (predominantly men), who simply say things like ‘then go to the police / Gardaí’, and ‘he hasn’t been convicted, so….presumption of innocence’. As if it is that simple. As if reporting a sexual assault to the police or the Gardaí is as simple, or as easy as telling a woman (or a man) to do so. God bless the privilege of the people who say this. God bless their innocence.  Reporting a crime – particularly one of such a highly personal nature – to the Gardaí is no easy thing to do. (At this point, I must say that I have never been treated with anything but kindness and professional understanding by members of An Garda Siochana).

 

Yet, the smug ‘just report it’ crowd seem to believe that going to the Gardaí and making a full and detailed report of a sexual assault is as easy and straightforward – and that the results are as swift – as telling Mammy, or going to the teacher in a primary school classroom. Sadly, that isn’t the case. Apart, altogether, from the harrowing experience of going to the Gardaí in the first place, and making a full and frank statement; providing details of a very distressing event – an event that was visited upon your person, an event that was visited upon the most private parts of your person, an event that was visited upon your psyche, an event that will forever change you isn’t easy.

Even if a person does manage to find the strength to do all that, they then have to face the rest of what the smug ‘just report it’ crowd refer to as ‘due process’. Due process is the idea that a person will get a fair trial in front of an impartial judge. The ‘just report it’ crowd also seem to think that anyone who commits a crime, and whose crime is reported and investigated, and against whom evidence is gathered, will automatically appear before a judge and be found guilty.  Until and unless that happens, they feel that no truths should be told, no allegations uttered, no solidarity of and with, victims shown publicly.

 

In an ideal world, a person who commits a crime, and whose crime is reported and investigated, and against whom evidence is gathered, would automatically appear before a judge, and be found guilty. We don’t, unfortunately, live in an ideal world.

 

Then, there is ‘due process’ that the smug ‘just report it’ crowd clamour for. Broadly, this means that a file is prepared by the gardaí who have conducted the investigation. The superintendent in the station then sends the file to the Director of Public Prosecutions (DPP). The DPP then decides whether or not to proceed with the case, and bring it to trial.

Now, here’s the thing that you may, or may not, know. Here’s the thing that the ‘just report it’ gang clearly don’t know (or want to admit). The DPP doesn’t decide to proceed to trial based on the evidence. The DPP doesn’t decide to proceed to trial based on whether or not they personally believe the crime, as described, occurred. The DPP bases her decision on whether or not they are reasonably confident that they will secure a conviction. In other words, the DPP will only allow a case to proceed to trial if she thinks it makes financial sense. The decision, therefore, to prosecute is based, not on legal, as much as on economic considerations.

Looking at the crime of sexual assault, the DPP deciding not to prosecute doesn’t mean the man is innocent. Nor does it mean that the woman is a liar. It doesn’t mean that there is a lack of evidence. Nor does it mean that the evidence is unconvincing. What is means is that the DPP doesn’t think that a jury will convict the man in spite of the evidence, in spite of the recommendation of the Superintendent at the investigating Garda station. Sometimes, the DPP will decide not to prosecute even though a confession has been provided to the Gardaí.  (This isn’t far-fetched; it happened to me in the case of my father, Christy Talbot.)

 

In some cases, like the case of my brother, Cormac Talbot, the DPP will decide not to prosecute because, frankly, the cost of flying him back from France to be prosecuted for historical sexual abuse, including digital, oral, anal, and vaginal rape is not worth it. In spite of the evidence. Cormac, living in the South of France, is no longer a danger to the Irish public, so the decision was made to leave him where he is.

 

Sometimes, people aren’t prosecuted because they are unwell. As in the case of my brother, Nigel Talbot, who claims partial memory-loss on account of his brain tumour.

 

The fact that someone hasn’t been prosecuted, and found guilty in a court of law doesn’t mean they’re innocent. Worse, it doesn’t mean that they are no longer abusing women and / or children.

 

Others have contacted me privately to let me know that they were abused by my brothers. If you were, too, please feel free to contact me in confidence. 

If this post was difficult for you to read because of your own experiences, please remember that the following agencies have phonelines, which are staffed 24/7:

Rape Crisis Centre: 1800 778888

Samaritans: 116 123

Pieta House: 1800 247 247

 

 

Colour Me Delighted

A few years ago, I went to visit my friend, June. I wanted to bring her a gift, but rejected the obvious – wine, flowers, chocolates – in favour of a colouring book. She was delighted.

About a year later, ‘mindful’ colouring books, and ‘adult’ colouring books became a ‘thing’.

I liked the idea of grabbing myself a colouring book or two and calming myself with a bit of colouring. The first one I bought was full of mosaics. It drove me mad. There were so many little bits of it. It was abandoned.  I got another. Its pages were filled with intricate pictures awaiting colour. I couldn’t give them what they were waiting for. They remained monochrome.

The pages of the ‘mindful’ and ‘adult’ colouring books that I bought, or considered buying, filled me with anxiety. I could feel it rising. The sections were too small. They didn’t scream ‘fun’, they screamed ‘task’. I have enough tasks I was looking for something to enjoy – in a similar way to how I enjoy knitting. It is repetitive, meditative, and soothing. These colouring books were not stirring the same emotions.

Then I remembered Kalkitos, and how much I’d enjoyed that, as a child.  I also loved stickers, and using them to make pictures with. I couldn’t find any Kalkitos, but I did find a sticker book for adults. It was filled with tiny flower-stickers, and other tiny stickers. I was tempted, but couldn’t part with £12.99 to buy a book that didn’t fill me with excitement.

Then, I had a brainwave. Why was I so hung up on adult versions? Hadn’t I enjoyed colouring books as a child? So, why was I looking at adult colouring books?

I came home with this:

 

Colouring Book

Which had the added bonus of these:

Stickers #2

I was delighted. This little book, and the stickers in it, filled me with joy, and anticipation, and excitement.

 

Colouring might well be a good tool for improving your mental health. Like any other tool, however, you need to make sure you have the right one. Don’t feel you need a ‘grown-up’ version of something that used to bring you joy when you were a child. Think of comfort food; if a toasted cheese sandwich was what made you feel safe and loved when you were little, then avocado toast with a sprinkling of pink Himalayan salt and a light dusting of cracked black pepper isn’t going to revive that feeling.  Go with what it feels right to use, rather than what you think you should be using.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Cosy Up (To Sexual Predators)

 

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It is with disgust that I register Dublin City University (DCU) has conferred an honorary doctorate on Bill Clinton today. I was awarded my first Master’s degree at DCU and – all things being equal – will be conferred with my own doctorate from DCU in a few short years. So, to be honest, I expected more of the university. One of the attractive things about DCU is that it’s a young, progressive, innovative university. I have studied at four other universities and have returned to DCU to pursue my doctorate for precisely these reasons. There is still an academic and intellectual rigour and standard, but there is less in terms of stricture that often impedes research in other institutions which are bound by a sense of ‘tradition’.

 

As an aside, I don’t have much truck with honorary degrees and doctorates. I do believe that people should have to earn their academic accolades. It’s a large two-fingered gesture to those of us who put more than ten years’ of hard work into our studies. I am of the view that an honorary doctorate is little more than a mutual ego-massaging exercise: Each party gets the PR associated with claiming association with the perceived achievements of the other.  My objection to Clinton’s ‘doctorate’ however, isn’t just based on this belief.

 

I am disgusted that a man who abused his power, who preyed on young women, who sexually assaulted women, has been honoured by my Alma Mater. I have no idea who makes these decisions, but I do wish that the alumni were consulted. I think we should have a vote on who is recognised by our university; on who our university declares admiration for in such a public way.

 

I think, on the same day that it has become common knowledge that that other sexual predator, Harvey Weinstein, contributed to Clinton’s legal fund when he was defending himself against Monica Lewinsky, it is in poor taste to honour the man.  This is also the week when #MeToo is trending on Twitter; when women the world over are talking publicly about their experiences of sexual assault.

DCU, I think, would be better placed honouring Monica Lewinsky herself. Apart from her TED Talk on shame, she has spoken out against bullying, and cyber-bullying in particular. Surely she deserves to be honoured more than the man who abused his power for (her) sexual favours?